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 Author | Topic: Emotional and hurt by a friends miscarriage:( (Read 99 times) |
KSA
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|  | Emotional and hurt by a friends miscarriage:(
« Thread Started on Aug 9, 2009, 7:27am » | |
I have a friend who has just had her first miscarriage. She is staying with me do the fact that her and her husband are going through a divorce right now. She has been dating one of my husband best friends thru her divorce process and the two of them were not doing anything to prevent having a child. Last week she told me she was pregnant and very upset and not sure what to do. I told her you are going to have a baby and congratulated her and the new father. However in the state of Ohio you can not get divorced when you are pregnant so it started out a not so good situation. My husband is her attorney and told her to keep it a secret until the hearings were over and in the last hearing they would disclose it. She and the father told everyone including my nine year old son. I was very upset but also new how it felt to be pregnant and you want to tell everyone because you are so happy! Well about 4 days after they found out she went in to the doctor. My OBGYN got her in very quick. I went with her to the appointment and as we were leaving she started to bleed this was thursday of this past week. As soon as we went back into the Dr's office they gave her a internal ultra sound and started proestrogen shots for her. The next day things got worse her levels were down and she was miscarrying. She went into the ER and they ran fluids and told her that her body will let go naturally. They informed her that she was about 4 weeks and 5 days.
I have been with her thru most of this as has the father and my entire family. It is a sad situation and the Dr. said to her everything happens for a reason and explained to her what happens in a early pregnancy like this and that most women have no idea they are even carrying they feel they are late and it is a heavier period. I shared my experiences with her I have been pregnant 3 times and have a wonderful son out of my experiences. However my other two I was much farther along and had a late loss and needed a dandc with one. My other was about 8 weeks a early one and my body did it natural. I am trying very hard to be there for her. At one point she was leaving to go get blood work and I was making a sandwhich for my son and I asked if Derrick (the father) was meeting her there and she said "No I am doing this all on my own" I was very hurt. I had been with her at the hospital and the Dr office the day before. I got her into my doc ASAP. I sat and listened to all the drama. Cooked her dinner the night she started to bleed. I am not in the best shape I just got out of the hospital last Sunday for a allergic reaction to my iron infusion and have a hemoglobin level of 9. As well as all my other medical issues. No energy but I still want to help her!
Yesterday was my breaking point she said to me that she felt herself "Passing her baby" and that tons of tissue came out. It was so graphic that it took be back to a very sad time in my life a time that I do not even speak of because of the pain I felt. I told my husband last night I can not deal with it anymore. She keeps saying she is hemorrhaging and that she is in terrible pain. I told her to relax keep water flowing every hour, take a vitamin each day and a mortrin. She looks great hair is done, make up on, dressed cute. When I have a period I can't even get in the shower to get ready for the day! My feelings are hurt by her I know what she is going thru is not easy. Losing a baby is hard no matter when it happens. I just am wondering how much I can hear before I flip out! I am going to have to say to her I can not hear anymore of the graphic stuff. It is just to hard. My situation was almost 12 years ago and I never talk of it I have moved on, I can not move backwards because she is dealing with this now. Am I a complete bitch for being upset? And not wanting to hear anymore about it? I feel horrible like a bad friend!
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Karen
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| | Re: Emotional and hurt by a friends miscarriage:(
« Reply #1 on Aug 9, 2009, 10:29am » | |
I can't imagine how difficult it is to lose a child. Several of my friends have miscarried and it has been devastating to watch. Having gone through it yourself, and now watching your friend go through the process, I can imagine it's bringing up feelings and emotions you haven't felt in a long time. I think it's perfectly natural to not want to hear all the details, that it's just too difficult.
I applaud you for being there for your friend, for being so supportive, particularly when you're going through so much yourself right now. Have you considered talking to her about your experience if she's ok with it? Maybe something along the lines of "It's really hard for me to hear about this because of ..." If you're comfortable talking to her about it, it may be a good release for both of you. If you're not comfortable talking about it, perhaps telling her it's just too difficult to hear because of your past experiences might be appropriate, too.
I'm SHOCKED that you can't get a divorce in Ohio if you're pregnant. I mean, I get why that law may have been in place in the first place years ago, but I'm shocked it's still around!
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omaklackey
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| | Re: Emotional and hurt by a friends miscarriage:(
« Reply #2 on Aug 9, 2009, 11:21am » | |
Hi,
I totally understand what you are going through. A lot of people wanted me to talk about my miscarriage. Someone even asked me to help another women who miscarried a few months after I did. I did because I knew she needed help. BUT it was one of the hardest things I ever did. I think you need to listen and if it gets to be to much. VENT here like you did. OR I give you full permission to PM me if you need to RANT. It makes it harder when you see what looks like 'outward' signs that she is okay. Just remember people hide their feelings and shove grief in a corner, I know I did. Its a coping mechanism to help them through their grief. Everyone grieves differently and you need to be careful not to judge her way of grieving. I'm sorry this has stirred up old feelings. My sister also miscarried last year and I had to call and let her talk and rant. It was horrid but she thanked me for being there and I realized as hard as it was to dredge up the old memories, it helped her!
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KSA
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| | Re: Emotional and hurt by a friends miscarriage:(
« Reply #3 on Aug 9, 2009, 1:35pm » | |
Thanks girls! I feel so bad about it I really do and am trying to be there for her. She started to get graphic again today and I told her I can handle everything else except the graphic nature of the bleeding ect...She looked at me shocked and asked why and I just explained to her that I was very upset last night and had feelings of my situation again. I told her I could listen to all the other stuff and emotional side of her situation but just cant handle the rest. I went down stairs to lay down and she was up doing laundry and she started to scream for me so I got to her as quick as I could and she said she was hemorraging again and started to go into detail. I am not sure she understands the process of a miscarriage. I tried to calm her and tell her to nap and clean up, rest and again eat and drink something. I am not sure what else I can do for her. I know what it felt like for me at 8 weeks and then again much further along than that and I was in pain too but kept alot to myself. I am not sure if she even realizes she is doing it even tho I told her. She is a very vocal person in general shares alot about her life and this situation is not any different. I know the physical symptoms of my miscarriage and it was terrible but I am not familar with a 4 week pregnancy loss. For her it is a great deal of vocalizing everything that is happening with her body. She seems physically fine she is out and about today shopping and went to dinner last night so I am confused when she is gasping for help what she wants me to do? I do not know if more is wrong with her than just a miscarriage should she be having all this bleeding so early on? I do know that she was sent home from the hospital and my doctor is very good and would not allow her to leave if he thought she was having other problems. Should I be concerned and run to her each time she makes a noise? I am a mother so it is instinct.
I am a private person on my situation and really believe everything happens for a reason. As all of you can tell I don't even want to speak of my loss it just hurts to think of it and I am passed that part of my life. Maybe it is harder to deal with because she is living with me and her and I are so close. I need to set a a limit with it again I suppose.
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jenaya
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| | Re: Emotional and hurt by a friends miscarriage:(
« Reply #4 on Oct 28, 2009, 5:06am » | |
Hey how is your friend doing now?? It's been a few months.
BTW I found out my Aunt has had two miscarriages this year. I feel so bad for her. She waited a long time to get married (smart woman) and now, at age 40 is having a hard time carrying a pregnancy.
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KSA
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| | Re: Emotional and hurt by a friends miscarriage:(
« Reply #5 on Oct 28, 2009, 6:21pm » | |
She is doing well. Her and the guy broke up. It was really hard for her but she is getting thru it all.
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jenaya
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| | Re: Emotional and hurt by a friends miscarriage:(
« Reply #6 on Oct 29, 2009, 10:42am » | |
aww well I'm glad she's ok though.
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